A little on the lighter side . . .
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laugh at oneself.
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1. To Change a Light Bulb
2. The Red Phone
3. CRC Puppies For Sale
4. A Navajo Perspective
5. CRC Circumcision
6. To Smoke, or Not to Smoke
7. Russ' Beyond the Pearly Gates?
8. Dutch Wine
9. A Canine Funeral
10. You Might be a Dutch Calvinist if . . .
11. How Many Church People Does Take To Change A Lightbulb?
Dialogos Studies Home Page
1. To Change a Light Bulb
Question: How many CRC elders does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer
2. The Red Phone
A college student of the Reformed heritage once aspired
to the ministry. As he contemplated his calling he wasn't
sure which seminary he should attend. In order to aid him in
his decision, he decided to visit Western Theological Sem-
inary.
He called the seminary and made arrangements to visit the
campus. As he was going through the halls he happened to meet
the president. When the president learned he was considering
attending there, he invited the visitor in to chat with him
for a while. A very interesting conversation ensued. While this
was going on, the student couldn't help but notice a red phone
positioned on the president's desk. After a while his curiosity
got the best of him. "Could I ask, what is the purpose of that
phone?"
"Oh," the president responded, "That's a hot-line to
God. Would you like to speak with Him?"
"I'd love to."
"But you must keep in mind, the calls are very expensive."
The student placed the call, talked for a couple minutes
and hung up. Concluding his discussion with the president he
then left.
The student also had an appointment to visit Calvin Sem-
inary. While there he also had an opportunity to meet with the
school's president. While in the president's office he noticed
an identical phone. He couldn't contain himself.
"Is that a hot-line to heaven?"
"Why, yes, it is."
"Could I perhaps make a call - I would only speak for a
few seconds."
"Oh, don't worry. Take your time. The calls are free. It's
not long distance from here.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
3. CRC Puppies For Sale
A man was driving home from work one evening and as he
approached his home his eye caught a young boy standing in a
front yard near a basket. Right next to the basket was a sign
that read, "CRC Puppies For Sale!"
That struck the man as being rather odd but he didn't
think much more about it. For the rest of the week as he was
returning from work he observed the same phenomenon. Then, one
evening as he came near this yard he noticed the sign had been
changed. It now read "Baptist Puppies For Sale!" His curiosity
simply got the best of him - he pulled into the driveway and
rolled down his window.
"Young boy, how is it that you've had CRC puppies for sale
before and now you have Baptist puppies?"
"Oh, that's easy to explain. Now their eyes are open."
[WAIT A SECOND. This is a Reformed web site. Did those signs
get switched around?! Baptists are invited to go to the homepage
and take a look at the papers on baptism and join in the debates
in the light of Scripture concerning where which sign should be
placed. Please check them out!]
4. A Navajo Perspective
A Navajo Indian with some exposure to the descendants of the
Lowlands once made this observation:
Where you have one Hollander, you have a Christian.
Where you have two Hollanders, you have a church.
Where you have three Hollanders, you have a split.
5. CRC Circumcision
Once heard from a CRC pulpit:
The preacher was waxing eloquent about the apostle Paul's
credentials as a Jew. He emphasized, "Paul was circumcised on
the eight day exactly. Not on the seventh day. Not on the ninth
day. But he was circumcised on the eighth day -- right on the
nose."
6. To Smoke, or Not to Smoke
A certain Christian Reformed church found itself in need of a
minister for a given Sunday. After searching for some time, no
success had been found in obtaining one. Then a local Baptist
minister became available.
On that Sunday morning the minister rode the public streetcar
to the church. Upon arriving there he noticed a few men standing
outside the front entrance smoking. So, he preached his sermon
on the evils of smoking.
After talking to some of the church members following the service
he headed out the front door on his way home. Seeing these same
men standing there once again smoking, he quizzed, "Didn't you
hear anything in the sermon?!"
"Yes," one of the men replied. "But why should we listen to
someone who travels by public streetcar on Sundays?"
7. Russ' Beyond the Pearly Gates?
Like a fine wine, some are a little more on the dry side . . .
A concerned parishioner asked her prophetic CRC minister, "Will
there be a Russ' Restaurant in heaven?"
"Of course," came the assuring reply. "And for lunch tomorrow
you will be having a Dutch twinburger."
8. Dutch Wine
Have you ever heard of Dutch wine?
Answer
9. A Canine Funeral
A woman was carrying a dead dog at the doorstep of a
CRC minister. She asked, "Will you do a funeral for
my dog?"
"Of course not," came the reply.
She asked if he knew if anyone else would.
"Try the Unitarian minister down the street."
The woman walked away and the CRC minister shook his
head. The woman turned around and asked, "Do you
think that minister would do it for $200?"
"Hold on - wait a minute. Maybe the dog is Christian
Reformed."
10. You Might be a Dutch Calvinist if . . .
You finish the food on your plate in a restaurant even though it is
burnt or otherwise unsuitable for human consumption.
You reused plastic margarine containers long before anyone had heard of
the environmental movement (Dutch Tupperware).
You have a two volume address book: Volume I: A-U & Volume II: V-Z.
You've never skipped church to watch the Superbowl.
Your main contribution to increased gender equality was the switch from
King to Wilhemina brand peppermints.
Your range of restaurant choice is restricted by the contents of a Buy
One Meal, Get One Free coupon book that you purchased to support
missionaries in Sierra Leone.
You wipe the last of the butter out of the container with your bun.
Your mother's hairdo is the same at your wedding as it was at hers.
Your closet is divided into work clothes and Sunday clothes.
Your church attendance is not disrupted by childbirth.
Your Sunday routine resembles: church, coffee, roast beef, jello
salad, snooze, church.
You have a front room but never sit in it.
All your cookies taste like almonds.
You make the bed in your motel room.
The last tip you left at a restaurant was, "Don't wear so much make-up
and a little quicker with the coffee."
You have always been to church on New Years Eve.
You can sing "Eere zij God" even though you can't speak Dutch.
You think that being progressive means discarding the church hymnbook
in favor of Keith Green songs on the overhead.
Seeing raised hands during worship causes you to look around for a
stick-up man.
You are still trying to justify owning a dishwasher.
At your wedding everyone is swaying but no one is dancing.
You attended worship services at a campground amphitheater.
You know what an afghan is.
You have lace on your windows but not on your underwear.
Your two permanent Saturday jobs are to wash the car and make sure you
have enough single bills for the offerings.
All of your recipes are adapted to fit into a 9 x 13 pan.
You can't imagine a funeral reception without ham on buns (and potatoe salad).
The usher never needs to ask you where you want to sit.
11. How Many Church People Does Take To Change A Lightbulb?
Charismatics: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Roman Catholics: None. They use candles.
Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and
nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Reformed: None. God has predestined when the lights will be
on and off.
Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and
seven to say how much they liked the old one
better.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell
him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement
either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb.
However, if in your own journey you have found that light
bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write
a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal
relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month
at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will
explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent,
fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are
equally valid paths to luminescence.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and two or
three committees to approve the change. Oh, and also a
casserole.
Dialogos Studies Home Page
1. Answer: Change? What's change??
2. Answer: Only if the question is correct.
3. Answer: 768,975.
4. Answer: Two salamanders and an octapus.
5. Answer: Goat cheese fried and then baked at 400 degrees.
6. Answer: Go back to question #3.
7. Answer: Moosletoe.
8. Answer: "M - o - m. Do we have to go to Russ' again?
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